Some days are just hard

Today is a down day. Believe it or not I don’t get too many of them thankfully, but today I feel like shit.

It doesn’t help that my back is still hurting, not as bad but its still there niggling at me. The rest of my body seems to have joined in the party too…oh joy! I’ve been spending the last few days resting in bed to try to heal my back a bit and I feel like it has helped. Yesterday was the first time in three days that I left the house and it was for an all day thing. I went to Bristol to film a short piece for a documentary a friend is filming for TV – I will tell more when it’s due to be on, but for now you can keep guessing :). I had blast but it absolutely knackered me out and I am suffering for it now.

Amongst feeling tired and just generally crap I’m also feeling pretty down. I don’t know the reason but it sometimes creeps up me when I’m least expecting it. I can’t helping feeling like there is impending doom just around the corner. I know I had a PET scan a couple of months ago and everything was fine but we all know that can change in an instant. I keep looking at my kids and getting really emotional that if I die in the next few years that they probably won’t remember me and this absolutely breaks my heart, they are too bloody young to have to go through shit like that. You often hear people say something like ‘oh my mum died when I was 4 so I don’t really remember her’. Great! 😦 I know Dave wouldn’t let them forget me but it still upsets me. I sometimes think all of this would be so much better if I didn’t have kids but then think of my life without them and realise that’s a stupid thing to think! It’s been bloody tough because they are little shitbags a lot of the time but I wouldn’t have it any other way!

I need to shake this feeling off sharpish, nothing is certain in life so really need to try and think more positively. Maybe I need to focus on my ‘fuck it’ list, similar to a bucket list but I didn’t like the name!

For now I’m going to sit here and feel sorry for myself for the rest of the day, go to bed early and hopefully I will wake up tomorrow feeling refreshed and a bit more positive.

 

Here’s hoping!!

 

Kim xx

Pain In The Back

Since being back from holiday I have been suffering from a bad back. Now normal people will just assume they have hurt their back at some point, have rest and hope it gets better. People from the cancer world however instantly think the worst. Its very hard not to panic and think the cancer has spread. The sensible side of my brain is telling me its because I slept on a rock hard bed in Lanzarote and then spent 4 hours on a plane combined with the  amount of stress my body has gone through recently. My chiropractor agrees and is adamant this is what has happened, said its damaged discs or something and I have to rest! This is easier said than done for me as I struggle to do nothing, but I will try my hardest as I’m in absolute agony. I got stuck getting off the chiropractors table which was fun! If it’s not better in two weeks though my doctor has said I need to go get a scan and just make sure its nothing sinister.

I probably made my back worse by going to the music festival but I had an absolute blast so I’m very glad I went. Getting together and having fun with my friends really helps me switch off from cancer. They don’t treat me any differently and have stuck by me from day one and for that I will be forever grateful. It makes me sad when I hear about people losing friends when they get diagnosed. Its mainly because those friends don’t know what to say or do so decide to do nothing. FYI, this is the worst thing you can do!! You just need to say ‘I’m sorry everything is shit, let me make you some dinner/clean your kitchen/sit and watch tv with you. A text/phone call once in a while asking how they are doing is something.  It’s not bloody hard, just be there for them and be normal!! If you can’t do that then they are probably better off without you anyway!

 

My favourite people

I was also supposed to have my first clinical psychologist session yesterday but unfortunately I had to cancel as I would not have been able to sit there for an hour or so. I also wouldn’t have been able to drive as I have been taking Tramadol for the first time and it makes me feel extremely………odd! I had heard good things about Tramadol from a few friends but I hadn’t realised just how spaced out I would feel…….made me realise I could never do ‘proper drugs’!! 🙂

 

So this week will be spent resting up and making sure I’m back walking properly again!

Kim x

It always seems impossible until its done

6th June…..end of treatment.

Deja vu

I had been here before and that didn’t last long did it. I was having my last radiotherapy on a Monday afternoon. My parent had the kids the night before so I was alone all morning to sit and contemplate what I had I been through. Driving to the hospital was definitely a strange feeling and this time I was thankful that I was alone as I cried pretty much the whole way there. Was is joy? relief? or sheer fear?? I still don’t really know. I was hoping to be in and out but it wasn’t to be, an hours delay was waiting for me! I did it though and back in August when we got the devastating news that the big bastard was back I really didn’t think I had any energy left to do it all over again. Five weeks of going to the hospital every week day was awful…..but I still managed to keep positive most of the time and always love the chance for a cheeky selfie 🙂

 

A few days before I had a catch up meeting with my oncologist for him to find out how things were going as I had not seen him since a couple of weeks before I started my 5 weeks of rads. He was being so nice to me that I decided to cry on him for the first time in 18 months…..I normally seem to save it for surgeons and my wonderful Breast Care Nurse. He is booking me a CT scan for September to check everything is still ‘ok’. This instantly made my stomach flip and made me feel anxious. He said he is only giving me permission to be worried for that week whilst waiting for the results….I have to go and enjoy life until then. Lets see if I can do as he says!

The end of rads was definitely an excuse to have some prosecco with my favourite people, so off to the pub we went for bubbles and shit loads of laughs! Long may those evening continue.

Cheers!

My hubby and I also celebrated by booking a family holiday. We really bloody needed it and I really didn’t want to wait much longer, we booked it for 13th June, a week after finishing. This morning we arrived back home after a truly wonderful week away. It was so nice to get away from everything and watch the boys have so much fun. They really have had a rough time of it for the last 18 months…and Charlie is only 2! Thankfully they don’t really know what has been going on, just that mummy has been a bit poorly. It was lovely to watch them play and laugh without a care in the world.

Fun in the sun with my amazing boys

I spent a lot of the week lounging by the pool, this meant the dreaded word for someone that has had a mastectomy….swimsuit! I haven’t bought speciality swimsuits as the majority of them are expensive and I would not wear them enough to justify the cost. So I just bought ‘normal’ cheap regular ones, making sure they had that weird tiny bit of padding in the cup area. I think I get away with quite well ( we wont mention the belly as that’s a completely different subject!). I only felt slightly self concious on the first day, I didn’t get any looks or stares so just made the most of the hot weather!

#whoneedsboobsanyway

Whilst going through the post when we were back I opened a letter from my oncologist to my GP about the referral to a clinical psychologist. We had discussed it at that tear fuelled meeting earlier. I know I do need to see and speak to someone about the shitstorm that I have just come through but I didn’t want to see a counsellor as I was too worried I would get someone that spoke too softly and like a head tilt! When reading this letter I got emotional and teary, not sure why but I think maybe it was his use of courageously and it there in black and white that I might not be coping as well as I make out.

 

Next up for me in the social calendar…… the highlight of the year for everyone who lives in my village, a music ‘festival’. Two days of Tribute acts, friends, drinks and an immense amount of fun! I will also be trying not to think about Cancer too much over the next couple of months. I cant imagine I will succeed mind you. I have a fantastic group of ‘ladies’ ( and I use that term extremely loosely!) who I talk to on a pretty much daily basis. They have all gone or are going through treatment for this shit too and I know there will be someone that needs support and I will be there for them as I will no doubt need them during this tough period of limbo land!

 

xx

Life’s a beach

 

Thanks to a wonderful cancer charity my family and I were able to book a weekend break to Butlins in good ol’ Bognor Regis. It was a chance to have some family time together as all the kids seem to do at the moment is stay at grandparents houses or sat in front of the TV.

 

We all had a wonderful time and for a few days I was able to switch off from the shitty cancer world and just enjoy having fun with my boys and also my parents. The weather even stopped being utterly pants and we were able to enjoy some time on the beach. I don’t think we talked about cancer or treatment once, it was like the good old days.

Look at all those smiley happy faces!

I did however come back on Bank holiday Monday absolutely knackered. I had done more walking than I’ve done in about a year and bloody hell didn’t my body know it!  It was supposed to be a weekend to recharge my batteries for my last week of radiotherapy……but unfortunately didn’t work out that way. Stupid cancer! But hey ho, only 5 more sessions left and I will be done…..for now anyways.

I have been having mixed feelings about the end of treatment. Last time around I celebrated the end of every stage as I thought it would be the end of it all…….plus I always like a reason to drink a glass of prosecco or ten! 🙂 This time its different, I’ve already celebrated ‘end of treatment’ and it came and bit me in my big arse! But if I don’t mark the occasion I can see myself just going to bed and having a cry and I really don’t fancy that to be honest. Think I would rather crack open some bubbles and not think about what the future may or may not bring. Life’s for living isn’t it!

In other news……I’ve gotten fat again! Boooooooo!! I did so well during chemo not to put on any weight (last time I gained 2 stone) and even managed to lose some and drop a dress size, so that was a big fuck you to chemo and steroids! I have since started to creep back up again, thanks to frickin’ emotions and all that shit. Its so very easy to shove yummy crap in your gob and say ‘fuck it, I might not be here to enjoy this soon’ but you feel worse when you actually look at your belly and your jeans don’t. It also doesn’t help not having any boobs to hide said belly!  So time to dust off the Fitbit and Lean in 15 cookbook!

 

xx

 

 

Going mad

I’m just over halfway through my radiotherapy and I’m exhausted. It’s hard work having to be at the hospital every single day especially as it takes about 3 hours out of the middle of the day. I have to drop kids off at grandparents then drive 40 minutes to the hospital, they are normally running at least 10 minutes late (but sometimes an hour!)and I have to wait in the most depressing waiting room ever to be called in to be zapped. Then 40 mins back home to pick up the kids. Also pretty much everytime I drop my two year old off he cries and shouts for me….it’s heartbreaking.

I still have got 8 sessions of left and already my skin is red,itchy and sore. I’m slathering on as many products as I can to stop it but they don’t seem to be helping. At the moment looking in the mirror all I see is a mess that is my body.

Emotionally I am struggling too. Last weekend it all came out, all my anger, frustration and resentment just came flooding out of my mouth. Unfortunately my poor husband got all of it chucked his way……which also included a glass jewellery box….whoops! I went a bit psycho but it did feel good to let go of some of the anger I had built up over the last 18 months since my original diagnosis. I’m coming to the end of this treatment and that normally signals all sort of emotions and its sometimes the hardest part of it all, especially as most of the people around you assume you are now ok and and ‘better’.

A lot of my issues is due to being in pain a lot of the time, mainly due to  cording in my arms and chest. It’s from where I had my lymph nodes removed it causes a tightening through my chest area. Unfortunately I have had lymph nodes review from both arms so I get pain from both sides. All that I can do I keep up with my exercises and hope it gets better sharpish!

On a happier note…this weekend we are off to Butlins as a family for some fun and I cannot bloody wait!

 

x

Me

Alright!

I’m Kim and I am a 32 year old mum of two that just so happens to be going through Breast cancer treatment for a second time in as many years.

Yesterday was my 32nd birthday and I would have loved it to have been truely wonderful and special……it wasn’t. There was no milk or bread in the house so couldn’t have breakfast, it was pissing down with rain and I had a lunchtime appointment in the radiotherapy department. I do however have a 90’s themed party to host on Saturday which I’m sure will be spectacular!

So I decided to start to do something that I’ve loved doing throughout my treatment and that is write about all the shit I do and think. First up I shall tell you about my ‘journey’ (yuk) so far….

I was diagnosed in October 2014 just 7 months after my youngest boy was born. It was stage 3 Triple Negative Breast cancer and in the dreaded lymph nodes! I had Chemo first, that wonderful FEC-T stuff, lumpectomy then mastectomy and rounded it off with some good old fashioned radiotherapy. All finished 31st May 2015, lovely just in time for summer.

Routine follow up with my oncologist in August flags up a lump in my ‘good’ boob……’so how long has that lump been there?’ He casually asks.

FUUUUCKKK!

Ultrasound and biopsies later and I have it confirmed that the bastard is back. This time in the mammary lymph node in good boob and also 15!/30 normal lymph nodes. Scary shit I know. Miraculously CT scans rule out any other spread.

Second mastectomy, more Chemo,this time GemCarbo and I’m currently on 8/15 radiotherapy.

I’m not doing too badly, just totally fucking exhausted but am plodding on. What else can I do?! Apart from sit here and wait for it to come back again……..

So I’m going to live life and record it here for everyone to see.

I’m flat, fabulous and enjoying being alive……whilst probably drinking my own body weight in prosecco!

 

Kim X