Mixed Bag

It’s been almost a month since I posted and it’s been a busy month.

 

My ‘little’ boy turned 5! Where the hell did that come from?! We had a lovely weekend away going to Warwick Castle, staying at Jack’s favourite hotel Premier Inn and then visited the National Space Centre. We all had a wonderful but tiring time.

Now one massive event that has been in my diary since June was the BBB Christmas party in London. I arranged this meet up for about 45 of our BC support group members and it was a huge success.We partied all night long and I was one of the last to leave at 3am!! I realised in the morning this was a huge mistake as I was so hungover I felt I needed to be put out of my misery!! But it was so great to meet up with the nutters I speak to on a daily basis about cancer and general life stuff. We are already arranging the next meet up! Some people find it strange that I continue to be in a support group even though we occasionally get bad news about our girls. ‘Why don’t you come away from that negativity?’ I get asked a lot. Hopefully you’ll never know what it’s like to have your whole world turned upside down and only people also going through it knows how you feel. We all went through our treatment together (first time around anyway) and will always have that special bond. Nothing will break that bond and if I want to rant in the middle of the night about something totally pointless or something that’s worrying me or something  disgusting  I know there will be people wanting to reply to me and help me. It’s extremely reassuring and this is why me and my tribe are forever!

xmas

One other big thing that happened is that my scan results came….my body has no cancer in bones, brain or organs….RESULT! The wait for that result was, as always, awful. Convinced myself it had gone walkabouts, I couldn’t possibly have another clear scan could I?! That stupid poxy lymph node was flagged up again though but it hadn’t changed, still the same so that’s got to be a good sign yes?! After the scan results came through they booked me in for my mastectomy scar revision and my surgeon said she will try and remove that lymph node whilst I’m under. Great! So that happened yesterday. I was to have a guided wire put in my chest in the morning using ultrasound. Unfortunately after having two radiologists have a look at the positioning of it they decided it was too risky as they would have to go through layers of muscle which would hurt me and they would be very close to blood vessels that they could burst requiring me to go straight to surgery. They offered to give me another PET scan after Christmas to monitor it. I was extremely deflated but knew they only had my best interest at heart. My breast care nurse was with me through the whole thing because I have a fantastic BCN. She went to let my surgeon know what the score was whilst I went and waited to be called for my scar surgery. She came back to me saying my surgeon wanted to go for the lymph node anyway and to go get the radiographers to mark a ‘X’ where she need to go! I bloody love my surgeon.

Whilst going through the procedure with me she said there was no guarantees that once she had got through the layers of muscle that she would be able to spot the offending node. It was worth a try though. She got a big team together as it would require alot of help, one of the trickiest surgeries this year apparently and could result in bleeding bleeding and more bleeding…..eeek!! I get my sexy gown and stockings on and wait.

I’m normally nice and calm waiting to be taken down to theatre but as soon as I get wheeled in the operating room I suddenly get super nervous and shaky. Once they have put the anaesthetic in and say I should drift off to sleep that is when I start to panic. SHIT, I cant do anything about it now, it’s too late to back out, am I going to wake up again. ARGHHH!!

I obviously woke up but I was in a huge amount of pain, the lovely nurse hit me up with some Oramorph and shit loads of morphine. She said I can tolerate it well as normal people that have that much morphine normally just pass out! I just feel like I’m drunk and I cannot stop talking just like I’ve had a drink! 🙂 So I’m now at home recovering, taking all the help I can get as I’m struggling to actually move around at the moment. I have a clinic appointment in two weeks time to find out all about this damn lymph node that’s been giving us grief.

I also had some extremely sad and upsetting news and I still can’t get my head around. A few months ago I got a text from my chemo buddy to say that she had the early onset of bone secondaries……meaning she was now incurable. This was so gutting to hear but I knew from people in my support groups that you can live on with bone mets for many years. We tried to arrange to meet up for a chat but never found the opportunity as she never felt up to it. Well last Wednesday I got a text from hubby to say she has unfortunately had to go into a hospice as things have progressed extremely quickly and she only has days left. That was like a punch to the stomach right there. And yesterday when I saw my breast care nurse she told me that she had unfortunately passed away on the Thursday, just a day after I found out about her.

This was far too close to home. We were diagnosed on the same day, we went through all our chemos together and we were even in beds next to each other when having our surgeries. I unfortunately had to have another surgery so that’s where our paths separated. She went back to work and even got a promotion. We met up a few times but talked over text about life. She has two boys also who are similar ages to my two and my heart breaks for them that they have lost their mummy so young.

RIP Dawn, love you lots and going through cancer treatment with you definitely helped me keep my sense of humour.

dawn

 

K xxx

Back There

Today feels like I’ve gone slightly backwards. I feel like I’ve been transported right back into cancerland after a few months away from it. Going to the hospital and into the scanner just brought everything right back to me.

It didn’t start well when it took about 10 attempts to get the cannula in a vein in my foot. They prefer to not use my arms as I’ve had lymph node clearances on both sides under my armpit and anything going in or out could cause lymphedema which makes your arms swell up. So I had to have my feet in a bucket of hot water for about half hour to try and get the veins to pop out. It took a lot of pain and patience…plus hitting a couple of nerves along the way – ouch! but we got there in the end. I was then injected with a radioactive dye and left to lie down still in the dark for an hour, a good chance to have some sleep after having to leave home at 7.20am! I also had to fill in a questionnaire about any treatment I’ve had in the past and got myself very frustrated when I couldn’t think when I actually had chemo, surgery or rads – this is something I struggle with on a daily basis and it really gets me down.

The scan itself went fine, just had to lie still for 20 minutes in a freezing cold room all alone whilst the scanned my whole body to see if the cancer has gone anywhere else. It’s not a great as your mind wanders and always goes to the dark places you don’t want it to go. Afterwards I start to panic, panic that there is now nothing I can do. I WILL get the results next week some time, before then I could have turned around and not gone in that room. I could have gone home and be in denial forever. It’s out of my hands and in the hands of the hospital. No turning back now.

Afterwards I am radioactive so cannot go near children or pregnant people. So I go home and get into bed at watch Netflix for hours, flicking between The Good Wife and Fresh Meat.

I’ve gone back to thinking about what happens if it spreads elsewhere. My head thinks its inevitable that it will spread, just don’t know when or where to. Everyone tells me it’s going to be ok and this will be it but they don’t know. No-one does. The chances are pretty high that it will go elsewhere and I have to accept that fact.I am obviously praying that it doesn’t though! My brain feels like its going to explode soon, there are so many things going on in there I feel like I’m going to crack. I feel so different to a month ago when we were back being a ‘normal-ish’ family.

So results take a few days to come in so next week I will be staring at my phone and having a mini heart attack every time it rings!!

 

K x

Tick tock, tick tock!

It’s been a while hasn’t it, and do you know why that is? It’s because I’ve been out having a blast! 🙂

I’ve had a few months of not having to worry about hospital appointments or scan results and it’s been lovely.

I was part of Stella McCartney’s breast cancer awareness campaign which was a privilege to do. Here are a couple of photos from the shoot. I was a little nervous about the topless shot but I’ve had a great response so think it was definitely worthwhile doing.

 

I had a lovely weekend with some girlfriends I met through the cancer world. They came to my house and I shipped the boys out for the weekend! We had such a good laugh together. We ate loads, we played board games, we played the awful but hilarious game Cards Against Humanity and we laughed so much that our stomachs hurt. It is amazing how relaxed you can be around people that you’ve not long met. We have something unique in common, we have stared our own morality in the face and we have all been through hell and back (plus a bit more). We can laugh about stuff that no non cancer person  (AKA muggles) would dream about laughing at. This is the reason that I am so looking forward to a Christmas meet up with my BBB’s (my support group bitches) next month. Nearly 50 of us descending on London for an evening of drunken shenanigans!

Last week I had the great pleasure of attending the Breast Cancer Care London fashion show with some fab ladies from another Facebook support group I am in. This group is called Flat Friends and everyone in this group has had a single or double mastectomy without reconstruction. It’s a very empowering group and definitely makes me feel more normal for choosing not to have reconstruction and living flat. It was so lovely meeting up with these awesome women and watch some other awesome women walk down the catwalk. Three of the models were members of Flat Friends and one model was a BBB so we had extra cheering to do!

We all had a fantastic evening, partied til late and even got ourselves some celeb selfies!

bcc-fashion

Now all that is over it is now November and that means it’s scan time and this Thursday I have a PET scan. This is to check that bastard dodgy lymph node was definitely not bloody cancer and to check that the cancer is still staying far far away from me!  So now it’s back to being anxious and thinking the worst. Goodbye sleep and hello insomnia…..oh and hello Diazapam! I obviously can never think it’s going to be good news because it just feels like tempting fate but I’ve got no symptoms of it being anywhere else so fingers crossed people! I’m very glad that I’m being monitored so closely but fucking hell its a head fuck every single time!

I’m really hoping it comes back clear so we can have a great family Christmas. The last two years I have been having treatment and it would be so nice to have a chemo free festive period with my family.

 

K xx

Two Years On

8th October 2014 was the dreaded day. The day I got told ‘I’m sorry but it is cancer’. This date will forever be etched in my memory. It’s funny because I don’t know the date when I was diagnosed with my recurrence or any dates that relate to my second diagnosis to be honest. It’s all about that first date when your life changes forever. It might also be that I’ve had so much chemotherapy that my memory is completely fucked! Just call me Dory!

This year I commemorated the date with a shopping trip and lunch (with many many cocktails) with a very special friend.

cocktails.jpg

I met Zoe through an online support group on Facebook called Younger Breast Cancer Network (YBCN)  that I joined soon after I was diagnosed. We then actually met in person at the Breast Cancer Care Younger Women Together event in London. This event they put on every year at different locations across the country is brilliant, totally recommend booking on one. I met so many ladies my age going through the same crap as me and had such a great laugh at the same time. I met quite a few other ladies that I talked online with so was lovely putting faces to names.  We found out that we only lived about half an hour from each other and the rest, as they say, is history. We now regularly meet up for Nando’s, a nice rare steak or to be honest anything else that’s edible! Getting cancer totally sucks but meeting friends like Zoe and all my other Badass Booby Bitches definitely help ease the pain.

It’s hard thinking about what we’ve been through over the last two years, we have had to deal with waaaay more shit than a family should have to but you know what, it could have been a lot worse. I have lost too many online friends to know this is true.  So I try not to dwell too much, I’m still here and we are still a solid family, can’t ask for anything more really…..oh no wait, yes I can…..I would like to ask for my PET scan next month to come back clear! I would really love a worry and chemo free christmas this year.

At the moment my anxiety is pretty low, hardly feel anxious at all at the moment which feels good but also a bit weird. I’m enjoying time out from hospital appointments, scans and waiting for results. Not sure how long this will last as I am due my scan in November and also going in to have my mastectomy scars revised and sorted out. I will be enjoying myself up until then though! At the beginning of November I’m very much looking forward to  going to the Breast Cancer Care Fashion Show in London with my fellow Flat Friends buddies and cheering on a couple of the models we know. I still find myself unable to think too far into the future, you know, just incase. The furthest I have thought about is April when we are looking to go to Las Vegas for a friends birthday and you know what, it terrifies me to think so many months in advance. I feel like I’m temtping fate by organising something in the future. Crazy really because even if something nasty does crop up in the next scan I’m sure I’ll still be able to take that trip so I do need to chill out a bit I reckon and just look forward to ‘Vegas Baby’. Easier said than bloody done though.

So, I mentioned a little while ago that I was involved in an awareness project for breast cancer awareness month, well the campaign has started so keep your eyes peeled on Stella McCartneys website and Facebook page for stories and pictures from fab ladies that have had this shitty disease……and maybe my face will pop up there in the next few weeks! In the meantime, go check out Elaine’s story.

Also whilst you’re here, if you are on Twitter please help our mission to get our friend Heidi AKA Storm in a Titcup to fulfill an awesome bucket list item……be a voice on The Simpsons! Heidi has had a completely shit time of it and totally deserves to tick off everything off her list. We are starting with this amazing one though. Get tweeting #HeidiOnTheSimpsons, follow @Heidi_simpsons and get this picture going viral!

simpsons-heidi

 

K xx

 

Pink-bleugh-tober!

Tomorrow is the 1st October which means two things.

  1. It is the month I was originally diagnosed in, 8th October to be exact.
  2. It is Breast Cancer Awareness month.

The first one doesn’t really bother me, I cant do a lot to stop that date being etched on my memory forever. Funnily enough I can never really remember the date I was re-diagnosed…beginning of Sept sometime!

Breast Cancer Awareness Month…..

There are a few issues with this month, one being that everything is fucking pink and I really don’t like pink! Kinda handy I had two boys really.  You also get ridiculous ‘awareness’ games doing the rounds on Facebook and the media for example, ‘ Tell us the colour of your bra or something equally as crap, but keep the reason you’re doing it a secret’, or maybe post a picture of you showing your poxy bra strap.

Plus everyone gets on the pink bandwagon, so many of unconnected household or food items will start to have that pink ribbon on making you feel like you should buy that brand. Of course many will donate to a cancer charity probably only about 1p though. You would be better off just dropping a pound into one of the bucket collections that will probably be lurking about nearby.

So before you decide to join in with all the ludicrous ‘awareness’ games, just take a moment and think….’does this actually do any good?’. I am pretty sure everyone is by now aware of breast cancer, how could you not be?! So maybe share a post showing the signs and symptoms to look out for instead. Like this one…

 

o-breast-cancer-care-900

Or perhaps share how to self examine your breasts for all the signs and symptoms…

breast-cancer-awareness-9-638

If you feel like you would like to do something extra for October and donate some money to a Breast Cancer charity I would love to suggest a new one that has started up. It is called Secondary1st and it was set up by the husband of an online friend that sadly passed away last year. Their aim is to research into the prevention, diagnosis and cure of secondary (metastatic) breast cancer. Secondary breast cancer is the cancer that has spread outside of the breast ie lungs, liver, brain and bones and is the ONLY breast cancer that kills. It kills over 1000 Brits a year and currently a crazily small amount of charity money goes into research this cancer.

So go on, why not do something amazing and donate here to a fantastic cause that could one day find a cure for this shitty disease!

So to sum it up and in the words of Adam Hills, don’t be a dick! Don’t be a sheep and just do something just because someone has sent you a message telling you to update your status.If you get one of these then do one of the things I’ve suggested above. Or even better,  just go upstairs and have a feel of your boobs. Check to see if everything is as it should be. If you feel or see ANY changes get them seen to ASAP.

In related news, keep your eyes peeled for an update telling you about a project/awareness campaign I have been involved in…..its  quite exciting! 🙂

Peace out!

 

Kxx

 

I hate waiting

You’ve probably been wondering about results and shit.Well here you go 🙂

So on Friday 9th September I had the CT scan and then thankfully I had the weekend to relax knowing that I couldn’t get any results.

My breast care nurse said as soon as the results were in she would arrange an appointment in clinic. Monday comes and I start getting anxious, every time my phone rings I have a mini heart attack! It was Tuesday afternoon when a call came, ‘Hi it’s Ruth’……those three words seem like an eternity to hear. ‘Your scan was clear’. Bloody hell, amazing news! I really have to give it to Frimley Park Hospital they don’t hang about getting scan results. ‘But there was a tiny lymph node that showed up on the scan, they aren’t too worried but you need to go in and have an ultrasound’. Ah Fuck it!

The ultrasound was last Friday and as soon as I stepped into the waiting room all the shitty memories from when I went for my first ultrasound in 2014 came flooding back. Waiting with all the other people trying to guess what they were having scanned. Were the women there to get a boob lump checked out, if so my heart sank for them and hoped it would be good news for them. I got called in and instantly thought I was going to throw up but I had to compose myself in front of the waiting patients. It’s seriously hard going somewhere that you have only ever had bad things happen.

It was the same lady that did my ultrasound when looking at my recurrence, that instantly made me cry and just want to turn around and leave. She went looking for this tiny node and I was lying there hoping that she couldn’t find it because it had gone away. Lymph nodes get raised for all sorts of reasons, main one being that your body is fighting off an infection/cold etc. But no she found the fucker! Then I was hoping that she would say ‘don’t worry, I can see from the screen it’s not cancer’. Nope, that didn’t happen either. Biopsy it is then! FUCKKKKKK!!!!! This is when I totally broke down crying and sobbing, I could not stop. Think I scared the ultrasound lady as she asked if I wanted her to go get Ruth (my BCN)….Yep please do! I could see Dave sat next to me really trying not to cry too, god I put him through so much shit. I calmed down a bit and she went ahead and did the biopsy. Because the lymph node was quite deep she had to put loads of local anaesthetic in but it still bloody hurt!

I had told Ruth that she had to phone me with the news be it good or bad as I just cannot face going into clinic and sit and wait for your name to be called to go into the room of doom. It’s just awful, they are normally running really late and you always sit there trying to second guess the nurses expressions. ‘Oh god, she’s looking at me and smiling sympathetically, she must know I’m getting bad news’…….’oh they look like my notes being taken in, why are they taking so long calling me in, it must be bad news’. I pace around the waiting room trying not to cry, probably making all the other patients anxious just looking at me! My nurse is so fab though and she agrees to phone me whatever the results, I love her a lot!

I was thinking that perhaps I would get them Tuesday as that’s when I got my scan results….nope, nothing. Then actually they said they’ll be back by Wednesday so should be today….nope nothing! I ring Ruth to chase them up, I went to dial about 5 times but was too scared too. Eventually I phoned. Results weren’t in yet, they go to Guildford to get tested so takes longer. Bloody hell, nothing like keeping the torture going!! I had pretty much decided it was going to be bad news anyway, but because the rest of the scan was clear I was pretty relaxed, I’m sure the cancer could just be taken out.

The call finally came on Friday afternoon at 12.20pm…..yep today!

There were no cancer cells in the sample they took!! GET IN!!

Fucking hell what a relief. There is a possibility that because it was so tiny they may not have got a proper sample but for now its good news and my oncologist isn’t too worried. He’s sending me for another PET scan in 6-8 weeks to check on it and see if it’s changed at all. Lets all bloody hope that its gone!!

So tonight I will be cracking open some prosecco and drinking to a couple more months of doing normal stuff until my next scan!

K xx

 

 

 

 

Here we go again

It’s been a while since I’ve done an update so whilst i’m sat here on diazapam, pankillers and wine I thought I’d say hi!

First up was my wonderful cousins wedding and my two boys were pageboys. The day was fantastic and it was held where my husband and I had our wedding reception, at my grandparents back fields. It’s so lovely when the whole family get together for an event like this as we all have a ball when it happens.

 

boys
Don’t they look gorgeous

 

I ticked another item off the fuck it list…..staying at a fancy hotel! This one I enjoyed very much doing. We went to London for the weekend for our 5th anniversary. When I had finished all my treatment the first time around we decided to renew our vows for our 5 year anniversary but when I got re-diagnosed we thought it was the sensible decision to postpone. A trip to the city and a stay in The Ritz was definitely a good compromise though!

We had such a lovely weekend together and it was so nice to have some time to spend as husband and wife. We ate good food, drank fab cocktails, went to see Motown the Musical and visited Madam Tussauds.  It was great but bloody tiring!

ritz

I have also been enjoying the summer holidays with the boys. Its very hard keeping two energetic kids amused for 6 weeks whilst you are continually fighting fatigue. But we did good, we kept ourselves busy most of the time. The rest of the time was spent recovering from our days out by cuddling up watching films. To be honest, this is one of my favourite things to do with them 🙂

holidays

So now the holidays are over this means one thing……Jack starts school! Now this was quite an emotional time for me as I really thought that I wouldn’t be around to see his first day at school. I did very well and held back the tears, no idea how though! He absolutely loves it thankfully and makes me so happy. All I keep thinking about now is ‘I wonder if I will get to see Charlie start school in a couple of years’. Unfortunately this is how my brain works now and will do forever more.

jack-school

 

Now as you can see  it is now September, the month I had been dreading. As soon as the 1st of the month came around I instantly felt like shit. Today was the day, today was the day I got injected with a contrast dye and went in to the CT scanner and have my body and head scanned for traces of cancer spread. Strangely, my Timehop app told me  that it was exactly a year ago that I was having my CT scan after my recurrence diagnosis. Today started off crap as the nurse struggled to get a cannula in my left arm, she prodded and poked for what seemed like a shitting eternity. I had to get her to stop before I poked her in the eye with the needle! Thankfully another nurse Steve came in and put it straight in my right arm first time…..phew! I could have kissed him!

The actual scan doesn’t bother me, its not claustrophobic and it doesn’t hurt. But it’s the whole ‘ go lie in that machine whilst we leave you alone to think about why you’re having this scan’ shit that makes it awful. As soon as the whirring start I could feel tears forming in my eyes. I was trying to keep still and trying to stop myself breaking down. This did not work when Steve came in to get me positioned for the head scan. Not gonna lie, I had a little break down. It’s shit scary knowing they are scanning your body for cancer but it’s terrifying thinking it could be in your brain. Now all I have to do now is wait until next week when I should be getting the results. Not sure how I’m going to be able to walk into the hospital and sit in the waiting room waiting for my fate to be told to me. Well I will have to and I will definitely be doing it with the help from my little friend ‘Diazapam’!

 

I also got some exciting news this week about an upcoming project that I’ve been invited to help with and all will be revealed in October! 🙂

 

So for now it’s time for me to keep busy and not think about those dreaded results!

 

K x

Calm before the storm

These past couple of weeks have been surreal and do you know why?! It’s because it has almost felt like it used to, before all this Cancer crap came storming into our lives. I have had only one hospital appointment which was about ten minutes long discussing tidying up my most recent mastectomy scar as I hate how its been left. My surgeon said she will do it no problem and will try to match it to my other side which is a pretty good looking scar if I do say so myself! I have to wait until November but she will get it booked in. She did say she was hoping I was going to have reconstruction so she could get her scalpal out….nice. No thank you very much, I’m happy as I am even though you could ‘give me a nice tummy tuck at the same time’. I dont’t know how much time I have left and I certainly don’t want to spend a good few months recovering from a major operation which could go wrong. I’ll be sticking with being flat and fabulous ta.

So apart from that I have just been doing the usual mum things which has been lovely. I’ve hardly thought about cancer and actually had a few nights of good sleep which rarely happens. It has been very strange being ‘normal’ and sometimes I feel like I’m going to start worrying about not worrying about something…bloody ridiculous!!I’m hoping I can stop that nonsense and keep enjoying life for the next few weeks.

Then September will hit. Every time I hear the word September my stomach flips. The reason? I know my oncologist is organising a CT scan for me to check the bastard hasn’t starting going walkies somewhere. It makes me extremely anxious. One half of my head is preparing for bad news because thats just what we cancer people do and the other half of my head is thinking that it can’t be bad news because I have no symptoms. It’s like I have a game of tug of war going on inside my bloody head.

tug

I’m going to try and forget about dreaded September and enjoy August.

Oh last time I said I was going to tick a fuck list item off….and that was getting a fringe!! I love it and love that its another thing ticked off 🙂

 

fringe

Next up on the list is staying at a fancy pants hotel…….The Ritz!!

 

K xx

 

 

 

Mixed Bag

Last week was quite emotional for me as my eldest had his last day at preschool. When  we got the original diagnosis in 2014 I honestly didn’t think I would be around to see it. I was welling up just thinking about taking him in on Wednesday so I was preparing for a lot of tears but I was actually very composed and surprised myself by not crying!

image
look how much he has grown!

He has been going there for two years and had only been going for a few months before the shit hit the fan. They have been brilliant and have looked after him amazingly. He loved it there and  it really helped keep the disruption in his life to a minimum and he is now extremely excited about starting big school in September. Now just to keep the two boys entertained for 6 weeks…..eeek!

 

This weekend saw myself and 10 friends descend on London for Secret Cinemas Dirty Dancing and I had an absolute blast, it was so much  fun! However I am now sat here nursing a slight hangover and a big comedown. This normally involves getting upset and panicky about the future and also feel guilty about all that cancer inducing alcohol I put down my  throat!! Reality really does give me a smack in the face sometimes.

image
We had the time of our lives!!

I also did something extremely stupid a few days ago,  I  did something I always tell people not to do……..I googled! What is wrong with me?! I was going through old paperwork and found a letter  from my oncologist  to my GP  with a medical term about my recurrence and I stupidly googled. As my recurrence is rare there isn’t alot of info  out there for it and what I did read was not good. Everyone knows that you only get worst case situations and out  of date statistics on there but my head just wasn’t listening! I’m such a knobhead sometimes.

So plan for this week…….get the positive vibes back, not to kill the kids and to venture out of the house at least half  of the week! Oh and tick off a fuck it list item…..can you guess which one?! I also have an appointment with my surgeon to discuss tidying up my scar as im really not happy with my most recent one. Really hoping she can work her magic and that I wont have to wait too long.

 

K xx

Good Times

Yo yo! How are we all?!

I am surprisingly chipper at the moment and it feels good. I am still feeling extremely tired, like going to bed as soon as the kids are asleep tired but I’m feeling more positive.

That has been helped by some wonderful friends of ours who, for my birthday present, took myself and the hubster to a Michelin starred restaurant near us called L’Ortolan. They wanted to tick something off my ‘fuck it’ list and what a great one to achieve. I had never eaten in such a fancy pants restaurant and it was a fantastic experience. We had such a wonderful time, great food, great Prosecco and wine (maybe a bit too much, whoops) and amazing company.

Don’t think I scrub up too badly either for someone that has put on shitloads of weight during treatment and has lots of scars and no boobs! What do you reckon?! Can’t tell right?! Did take me about 20 minutes to have a wee though….that dress was tight!! 😉

l'ortolan

food
look at this posh food

My aim now is to tick more things off my ‘list’. Its not a bucket list because as far as I know, I’m not due to peg it any time soon. It’s a list of stuff I just want to do and seeing as I’m impatient I want to do them all now!

Here is the list

Ladies day at Ascot (wear a big fuck off hat!)
Get a cat (😉)
Get a tattoo
Get another ear piercing
watch a sunset
Do public speaking
Go to a ball
Spend day & night in posh hotel
Win a holiday (out of my hands I know!)
Volunteer
Fly first class (maybe combine with the holiday win!)
Make a fancy birthday cake
Get on TV
Do 50 acts of kindness
Hand Write and post actual letters to friends
Learn to dance
Try having a fringe for a while
Eat at a fancy pants restaurant
……meet Olly Murs 😉
Do glass blowing
Birthing partner

Now I know there are some odd ones in there (and  you’re all laughing at the fringe one) but I want them to be achievable. Nothing worse than making a list of things that you have no way of doing! So I have booked a night away at The Ritz in London for our wedding anniversary next month and I’ve also been researching tattoos and cats!

Another one I can hopefully tick off soon is ‘get on TV’. I had a small part in a  documentary a good booby friend of mine is doing for The Discovery Channel. If you haven’t already come across her blog go check it out now. It’s called Storm in a Tit Cup and she is awesome. I shall keep you updated when it’s going to air.

If any of you guy know Mr Murs, please do get in touch!

 

I am incredibly lucky to have lots of amazing friends and they make this shitty time bearable. Next weekend I get to spend it with another fab group when we go to Secret Cinema’s Dirty Dancing…..I cannot bloody wait!!

K x