It will not break me.

I will not let it.

The last few days have gone past in a bit of a blur. They have been the toughest few days of my life but somehow we have still managed to have fun at times, that is the wonderful thing about having such amazing friends and family. We are so lucky on that front, we really are blessed with the best support network, which is good as we wouldn’t be able to do it without them.

You think that once you get the devastating news we got that you wouldn’t smile or laugh again, well we were smiling and laughing with our friends on the Wednesday evening just a few hours after our hospital appointment. I will not let this bastard deprive us of fun because then it has won.I do worry that I’m just in denial and soon I am going to have a breakdown or something. I’m worrying that I’m not crying all day and panicking. When I have a few hours off from worrying……I’m worrying that I’m not worrying. It’s fucked up! I am however compiling a new ‘fuck it list’ to keep me occupied. It will have lots of fun stuff for the family and also ones for just me 🙂

The amount of messages coming through from people has been amazing it really has. Just because you don’t know what to say doesn’t mean you don’t do anything, you just send a message saying exactly that. And that what I’ve been getting, the amount of love we are feeling is huge and we really appreciate it. Also the presents and flowers I’ve received has been really lovely and put a big smile on my face, thank you all so much.

When you get a cancer diagnosis, birthdays become tough, well they did for me anyway. Every one that came around I felt I had to celebrate the hell out of it ‘just in case. I wanted everyone else to acknowledge it too. I wanted them to be a big deal, who knew if I’d see the next one. To be honest I feel everyone should be like that with birthdays as you never know what is around the corner. This year however feels different. My birthday is on Wednesday, just a week after being told my cancer is incurable. I’m torn between wanting to celebrating it and also feeling so scared to do anything. The pressure of doing something great for it ‘just incase’ feels just a little bit too real now. I think it’s a bit too soon to be organising something big and grand, the emotions would have far to big for me to cope with. Maybe I’ll arrange a big belated birthday party once we have a plan in place.

But before I can turn 33 I have a brain scan and right there reality smacks me in the face! I’m having an MRI in the morning and I’m scared. I have no reason to worry about the results as I have no symptoms to make me think it is up there too but I cant stop worrying. The scan is so my oncologist has all the information to give to the guys that do all the trials. Please can everyone have everything crossed that it comes back clear and we are only dealing with the one place!

So for now we are carry on carrying on. Doing what we do best and not let this fucker get us down. We have a cruise with the kids at the end of this month and already discussing where abouts we can go after that. Life is for living and that is exactly what we are going to do!

 

K x

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