My time of living a relatively normal life is over for now. All I can think about is my scan which is on Sunday. All my thoughts are consumed by the utter dread I have about having it and what they are going to find on that scan. I’m a realist, I know the chances of it finding something is quite high. I know it’s only a matter of time before I get the dreaded news again. Everyone will say ‘oh it’ll be fine’ but they don’t know. I read enough stuff in my support groups to know that the odds are not in my favour. I know that the way my cancer keeps fucking coming back is not good. I try and live the best life I can without these morbid thoughts taking over too much but scan times make it almost impossible.
The nights are the worst, as soon as the lights go out my brain wakes up…’hello! lets think about death instead of trying to get to sleep….yes that definitely seems like the sensible option here’. I’m just so thankful for smart phones at this time, thankful for social media, podcasts and games. These keep me sane and from waking up my husband in the middle of the night with an anxiety attack. Probably the reason why I’m constantly tired though aye!
It’s funny, when I got the appointment letter in the post I was actually relieved they weren’t scanning my head. So at least for the time being I wont know about any cancer that may be in my brain. I was happy that maybe my oncologist thought there wasn’t a real reason to scan it. Little things bring a little positivity in the complete shitstorm that is my life.
So Sunday is the scan, some of my favourite people are taking me so at least we might be able to make it slightly fun……until the time comes when I have to go in that dreaded room all by myself (off my face on Diazapam) and lie there whilst they scan me for cancer.
I do however go to Las Vegas on Wednesday. I have asked for my results after I get back as I don’t want anything to ruin those 5 days! I’m hoping I will be having so much fun out there that I won’t have time to even think about my results. What I will be doing though is renewing our wedding vows over there 🙂 .We’ve been married 5 years and we were talking about renewing our vows last year and having a big party, but unfortunately the cancer coming back ruined that! So we thought as we are in Vegas, why not do it there with Elvis. Totally tacky, totally awesome!
So the next week or so is going to be strange, a complete mixture of extreme lows and highs. I know it’s crazy to worry about things that I cant change but it’s human nature.
Finally, I thought I would leave you with this snapshot. I wouldn’t normally share it but I loved it so much. We were upstairs watching TV on my bed and my youngest who is 3 years old was cuddling me and just started stroking my mastectomy scars. He was so sweet and caring, kids are so resilient in tough times they really are and I am so grateful for my two amazing boys.