Scaredy Cat

It is bloody exhausting work being scared.

I’m scared of this cough that just won’t bugger off for good, scared it is something more sinister. Everyone seems to have a stubborn cough at the moment so why wouldn’t mine be any different……but I just cant shake the feeling that it’s bad news. It went away and it’s now back again but only a couple of days ago so trying not to panic too much.

I’m scared to shower. I know, sounds crazy doesn’t it. Since I found my original lump in 2014 in the shower I’m always very apprehensive washing that area in case I find other lumps. I check my whole chest area and neck and then finish up as quick as I can.  I wonder if this will ever get better but it’s been 2.5 years now so probably not!

I’m scared to open up Facebook in the morning in case anyone in my support groups has had bad new. There are good and bad points about being in a few support groups and getting to know the girls on there. The good points weigh out the bad points massively but unfortunately the statistics show that some of us will have the cancer come back and some will get taken far too soon. It gets harder the longer I am friends with these amazing girls.

I get scared to book anything far in advance. At the moment anything I book after April (when I have my next scan) makes me nervous. Am I tempting fate booking something? Am I going to be well enough to go? Am I even going to be here to be able to go? I’ve booked to go to Ascot Ladies Day in June and even that is making thinking about my future.

I’m scared when it’s time to go to bed even though I am always shattered by the time this comes. I personally hate night time, the dark brings out all my nasty thoughts and insecurities. I lie there trying to go to sleep but my brain decides that is the time to wake up and think about death. To be honest I cant blame it, it has been the same since my teens, not as much but it’s always been there. Thank god for podcasts and games, they keep me from having a massive panic attack and waking my husband up.

I’m scared my kids might have to grow up without their mummy.Every time they are crying for me my heart breaks that one day I might not be here to make everything better.

I’m scared that I get jealous of people around me that don’t have to deal with this shit. I wish I could go back to being naive about Cancer and not have the constant black cloud over me.

 

I’m trying my best to get on with life and not let these thoughts take over but man, it’s f**king hard!

K x

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4 thoughts on “Scaredy Cat

  1. This is so Well written, Kim I agree with every word. Just keep doing all you can to live for today, and to plan and enjoy love, fun and laughter. We always need things to look forward to. Never forget how amazing you are. Love you loads. I’m scared too xx

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  2. I’m right there with you ! Night times are a nightmare, and all the what ifs never stop. I’m obsessed by only booking things 6 weeks in advance, I have this weird idea that no matter what the prognosis they will always give you 6 weeks. Bollocks I know but can’t help it !!

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  3. I have had the worse cough for 2 weeks I am giving up smoking but all of a sudden it has gone don’t panic too much as so many people have it xx

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