Mixed Bag

It’s been almost a month since I posted and it’s been a busy month.


My ‘little’ boy turned 5! Where the hell did that come from?! We had a lovely weekend away going to Warwick Castle, staying at Jack’s favourite hotel Premier Inn and then visited the National Space Centre. We all had a wonderful but tiring time.

Now one massive event that has been in my diary since June was the BBB Christmas party in London. I arranged this meet up for about 45 of our BC support group members and it was a huge success.We partied all night long and I was one of the last to leave at 3am!! I realised in the morning this was a huge mistake as I was so hungover I felt I needed to be put out of my misery!! But it was so great to meet up with the nutters I speak to on a daily basis about cancer and general life stuff. We are already arranging the next meet up! Some people find it strange that I continue to be in a support group even though we occasionally get bad news about our girls. ‘Why don’t you come away from that negativity?’ I get asked a lot. Hopefully you’ll never know what it’s like to have your whole world turned upside down and only people also going through it knows how you feel. We all went through our treatment together (first time around anyway) and will always have that special bond. Nothing will break that bond and if I want to rant in the middle of the night about something totally pointless or something that’s worrying me or something  disgusting  I know there will be people wanting to reply to me and help me. It’s extremely reassuring and this is why me and my tribe are forever!


One other big thing that happened is that my scan results came….my body has no cancer in bones, brain or organs….RESULT! The wait for that result was, as always, awful. Convinced myself it had gone walkabouts, I couldn’t possibly have another clear scan could I?! That stupid poxy lymph node was flagged up again though but it hadn’t changed, still the same so that’s got to be a good sign yes?! After the scan results came through they booked me in for my mastectomy scar revision and my surgeon said she will try and remove that lymph node whilst I’m under. Great! So that happened yesterday. I was to have a guided wire put in my chest in the morning using ultrasound. Unfortunately after having two radiologists have a look at the positioning of it they decided it was too risky as they would have to go through layers of muscle which would hurt me and they would be very close to blood vessels that they could burst requiring me to go straight to surgery. They offered to give me another PET scan after Christmas to monitor it. I was extremely deflated but knew they only had my best interest at heart. My breast care nurse was with me through the whole thing because I have a fantastic BCN. She went to let my surgeon know what the score was whilst I went and waited to be called for my scar surgery. She came back to me saying my surgeon wanted to go for the lymph node anyway and to go get the radiographers to mark a ‘X’ where she need to go! I bloody love my surgeon.

Whilst going through the procedure with me she said there was no guarantees that once she had got through the layers of muscle that she would be able to spot the offending node. It was worth a try though. She got a big team together as it would require alot of help, one of the trickiest surgeries this year apparently and could result in bleeding bleeding and more bleeding…..eeek!! I get my sexy gown and stockings on and wait.

I’m normally nice and calm waiting to be taken down to theatre but as soon as I get wheeled in the operating room I suddenly get super nervous and shaky. Once they have put the anaesthetic in and say I should drift off to sleep that is when I start to panic. SHIT, I cant do anything about it now, it’s too late to back out, am I going to wake up again. ARGHHH!!

I obviously woke up but I was in a huge amount of pain, the lovely nurse hit me up with some Oramorph and shit loads of morphine. She said I can tolerate it well as normal people that have that much morphine normally just pass out! I just feel like I’m drunk and I cannot stop talking just like I’ve had a drink! 🙂 So I’m now at home recovering, taking all the help I can get as I’m struggling to actually move around at the moment. I have a clinic appointment in two weeks time to find out all about this damn lymph node that’s been giving us grief.

I also had some extremely sad and upsetting news and I still can’t get my head around. A few months ago I got a text from my chemo buddy to say that she had the early onset of bone secondaries……meaning she was now incurable. This was so gutting to hear but I knew from people in my support groups that you can live on with bone mets for many years. We tried to arrange to meet up for a chat but never found the opportunity as she never felt up to it. Well last Wednesday I got a text from hubby to say she has unfortunately had to go into a hospice as things have progressed extremely quickly and she only has days left. That was like a punch to the stomach right there. And yesterday when I saw my breast care nurse she told me that she had unfortunately passed away on the Thursday, just a day after I found out about her.

This was far too close to home. We were diagnosed on the same day, we went through all our chemos together and we were even in beds next to each other when having our surgeries. I unfortunately had to have another surgery so that’s where our paths separated. She went back to work and even got a promotion. We met up a few times but talked over text about life. She has two boys also who are similar ages to my two and my heart breaks for them that they have lost their mummy so young.

RIP Dawn, love you lots and going through cancer treatment with you definitely helped me keep my sense of humour.



K xxx


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