Back There

Today feels like I’ve gone slightly backwards. I feel like I’ve been transported right back into cancerland after a few months away from it. Going to the hospital and into the scanner just brought everything right back to me.

It didn’t start well when it took about 10 attempts to get the cannula in a vein in my foot. They prefer to not use my arms as I’ve had lymph node clearances on both sides under my armpit and anything going in or out could cause lymphedema which makes your arms swell up. So I had to have my feet in a bucket of hot water for about half hour to try and get the veins to pop out. It took a lot of pain and patience…plus hitting a couple of nerves along the way – ouch! but we got there in the end. I was then injected with a radioactive dye and left to lie down still in the dark for an hour, a good chance to have some sleep after having to leave home at 7.20am! I also had to fill in a questionnaire about any treatment I’ve had in the past and got myself very frustrated when I couldn’t think when I actually had chemo, surgery or rads – this is something I struggle with on a daily basis and it really gets me down.

The scan itself went fine, just had to lie still for 20 minutes in a freezing cold room all alone whilst the scanned my whole body to see if the cancer has gone anywhere else. It’s not a great as your mind wanders and always goes to the dark places you don’t want it to go. Afterwards I start to panic, panic that there is now nothing I can do. I WILL get the results next week some time, before then I could have turned around and not gone in that room. I could have gone home and be in denial forever. It’s out of my hands and in the hands of the hospital. No turning back now.

Afterwards I am radioactive so cannot go near children or pregnant people. So I go home and get into bed at watch Netflix for hours, flicking between The Good Wife and Fresh Meat.

I’ve gone back to thinking about what happens if it spreads elsewhere. My head thinks its inevitable that it will spread, just don’t know when or where to. Everyone tells me it’s going to be ok and this will be it but they don’t know. No-one does. The chances are pretty high that it will go elsewhere and I have to accept that fact.I am obviously praying that it doesn’t though! My brain feels like its going to explode soon, there are so many things going on in there I feel like I’m going to crack. I feel so different to a month ago when we were back being a ‘normal-ish’ family.

So results take a few days to come in so next week I will be staring at my phone and having a mini heart attack every time it rings!!


K x


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