Today is a down day. Believe it or not I don’t get too many of them thankfully, but today I feel like shit.
It doesn’t help that my back is still hurting, not as bad but its still there niggling at me. The rest of my body seems to have joined in the party too…oh joy! I’ve been spending the last few days resting in bed to try to heal my back a bit and I feel like it has helped. Yesterday was the first time in three days that I left the house and it was for an all day thing. I went to Bristol to film a short piece for a documentary a friend is filming for TV – I will tell more when it’s due to be on, but for now you can keep guessing :). I had blast but it absolutely knackered me out and I am suffering for it now.
Amongst feeling tired and just generally crap I’m also feeling pretty down. I don’t know the reason but it sometimes creeps up me when I’m least expecting it. I can’t helping feeling like there is impending doom just around the corner. I know I had a PET scan a couple of months ago and everything was fine but we all know that can change in an instant. I keep looking at my kids and getting really emotional that if I die in the next few years that they probably won’t remember me and this absolutely breaks my heart, they are too bloody young to have to go through shit like that. You often hear people say something like ‘oh my mum died when I was 4 so I don’t really remember her’. Great! 😦 I know Dave wouldn’t let them forget me but it still upsets me. I sometimes think all of this would be so much better if I didn’t have kids but then think of my life without them and realise that’s a stupid thing to think! It’s been bloody tough because they are little shitbags a lot of the time but I wouldn’t have it any other way!
I need to shake this feeling off sharpish, nothing is certain in life so really need to try and think more positively. Maybe I need to focus on my ‘fuck it’ list, similar to a bucket list but I didn’t like the name!
For now I’m going to sit here and feel sorry for myself for the rest of the day, go to bed early and hopefully I will wake up tomorrow feeling refreshed and a bit more positive.