It always seems impossible until its done

6th June…..end of treatment.

Deja vu

I had been here before and that didn’t last long did it. I was having my last radiotherapy on a Monday afternoon. My parent had the kids the night before so I was alone all morning to sit and contemplate what I had I been through. Driving to the hospital was definitely a strange feeling and this time I was thankful that I was alone as I cried pretty much the whole way there. Was is joy? relief? or sheer fear?? I still don’t really know. I was hoping to be in and out but it wasn’t to be, an hours delay was waiting for me! I did it though and back in August when we got the devastating news that the big bastard was back I really didn’t think I had any energy left to do it all over again. Five weeks of going to the hospital every week day was awful…..but I still managed to keep positive most of the time and always love the chance for a cheeky selfie 🙂

rads selfie


A few days before I had a catch up meeting with my oncologist for him to find out how things were going as I had not seen him since a couple of weeks before I started my 5 weeks of rads. He was being so nice to me that I decided to cry on him for the first time in 18 months…..I normally seem to save it for surgeons and my wonderful Breast Care Nurse. He is booking me a CT scan for September to check everything is still ‘ok’. This instantly made my stomach flip and made me feel anxious. He said he is only giving me permission to be worried for that week whilst waiting for the results….I have to go and enjoy life until then. Lets see if I can do as he says!

The end of rads was definitely an excuse to have some prosecco with my favourite people, so off to the pub we went for bubbles and shit loads of laughs! Long may those evening continue.


My hubby and I also celebrated by booking a family holiday. We really bloody needed it and I really didn’t want to wait much longer, we booked it for 13th June, a week after finishing. This morning we arrived back home after a truly wonderful week away. It was so nice to get away from everything and watch the boys have so much fun. They really have had a rough time of it for the last 18 months…and Charlie is only 2! Thankfully they don’t really know what has been going on, just that mummy has been a bit poorly. It was lovely to watch them play and laugh without a care in the world.

fun in sun.jpg
Fun in the sun with my amazing boys

I spent a lot of the week lounging by the pool, this meant the dreaded word for someone that has had a mastectomy….swimsuit! I haven’t bought speciality swimsuits as the majority of them are expensive and I would not wear them enough to justify the cost. So I just bought ‘normal’ cheap regular ones, making sure they had that weird tiny bit of padding in the cup area. I think I get away with quite well ( we wont mention the belly as that’s a completely different subject!). I only felt slightly self concious on the first day, I didn’t get any looks or stares so just made the most of the hot weather!

swim collage

Whilst going through the post when we were back I opened a letter from my oncologist to my GP about the referral to a clinical psychologist. We had discussed it at that tear fuelled meeting earlier. I know I do need to see and speak to someone about the shitstorm that I have just come through but I didn’t want to see a counsellor as I was too worried I would get someone that spoke too softly and like a head tilt! When reading this letter I got emotional and teary, not sure why but I think maybe it was his use of courageously and it there in black and white that I might not be coping as well as I make out.



Next up for me in the social calendar…… the highlight of the year for everyone who lives in my village, a music ‘festival’. Two days of Tribute acts, friends, drinks and an immense amount of fun! I will also be trying not to think about Cancer too much over the next couple of months. I cant imagine I will succeed mind you. I have a fantastic group of ‘ladies’ ( and I use that term extremely loosely!) who I talk to on a pretty much daily basis. They have all gone or are going through treatment for this shit too and I know there will be someone that needs support and I will be there for them as I will no doubt need them during this tough period of limbo land!




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